maybe it's the money or the crowds.. but i'm not sure i'm up for big huge club parties for halloween this year (inferno, spiderball)
anyone have any headsup on smaller less expensive, maybe chiller parties or hotspots in the city?

heard on 6th St x Howard today:

a mother walking hand in hand with her 2 or 3 year old.
child points up at a building, wanting to share something he saw
her response:
fuck shut the fuck up marcus
you don't fucking know fuck.
shut the fuck up or i'll punch your face

i looked over, she wasn't particularly angry, just annoyed. didn't look like she'd be violent. i kept walking. i'm half a block away and i can still hear her

shut the fuck up.
fuck. just shut up.
fuck marcus fuck.

*by age four, the average child in a welfare family has heard 32 million fewer words than the average child in a professional family

*by age three, children from families on welfare have a cumulative vocabulary
of 525 words; three-year-olds from professional families have a vocabulary of 1,116 words

*The average child in a professional family receives 32 affirmatives and five prohibitions per hour, a ratio of 6 encouragements to 1 discouragement.
The average child in a working-class family receives 12 affirmatives and seven prohibitions per hour, a ratio of 2 encouragements to 1 discouragement.
The average child in a welfare family, though, receives five affirmatives and 11 prohibitions per hour, a ratio of 1 encouragement to 2 discouragements.
*...In a 5,200-hour year, that would be:
166,000 encouragements to 26,000 discouragements in a professional family, 62,000 encouragements to 36,000 discouragements in a working-class family, & 26,000 encouragements to 57,000 discouragements in a welfare family.

this is all by the time a child is four.

source, inspiration, and possibly hope:
http://www.aft.org/pubs-reports/american_educator/spring2003/catastrophe.html
http://www.powells.com/biblio/7-9780618569892-0
http://www.hcz.org/home
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1262

i feel so out of touch.. but i'd love to hear if you're heading to the playa this year and where you'll be..
we're not sure of our location yet, gonna be searching for property among the hordes sunday night..
but we'll be registered on the computers at center camp:
tabula rasa.
safe journeys...

i woke from sleep a little when i felt him get out of bed.
opened my eyes to see him walking into the bathroom.
the all-at-once realization that he was there made me break out into a huge grin.

last night i saw a teenage girl, 17. suicidal because she couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror.
to her, she was too fat.
she was a cutter. along with multiple cuts on both arms were the words:
"ugly" and "fat" carved into her belly.

this is cool.
http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php?id=7

and i don't understand how hard core cyclist reproduce.

maybe i just need better, more padded shorts.

ack.

today, an older woman, a patient, proper and a little snotty, made an interesting comment while i was taking care of her (me: younger, not in a white coat, probably a heathen).

she looked at a picture of the human body hung up on the wall and said to her husband:
"that's what the evolutionists don't understand.
the human body is so amazing.."

her husband chimes in: "it couldn't be made by chance"

so it took me a second. i don't actually disagree with most of their statement.
the human body is so amazing. it couldn't be made by chance.

it was made through this amazing process called evolution.
or, in their minds, it could only have been made by God.

now, realize that their statement was dripping in sanctimony and i don't actually think they were relaying any true wonder about the body. but that exact beauty i find in the body, in science, is exactly why my faith is science. the actual process of evolution, that we got here, how we got here, all that we actually don't know is exactly part of that beauty and my love and awe of it.

yet, sincerely, that exact same love or awe of the body or nature is what drives people to believe in god. it confirms their existence of a god.

now i don't believe that religion and science are mutually exclusive. there's absolutely a possibility that a god could have created evolution and i know i don't have enough information to have an informed enough opinion to argue this latter possibility.

it still astounds and surprises me, what drives people's faith.

no seriously, say "ahh"!

when we point a light at your throat and say "say ahh..."   we're not just emulating our impression of norman rockwell doctors..
it actually makes a difference. all that stuff i'm looking back there to see?
a lot easier to see when you Say Ahh.
and if you actually do it, we often don't need to use the gag-inducing tongue depressor.

try it yourself, look in the mirror for that hanging-down-in-the-middle-of-your-throat-thing (your uvula)
open your mouth and look at it (or try to find it). now say "ahh"
see it?

jesus people. i swear less than 1% people actually say "ahh".
really, you think i just say it for no reason?
if you're somehow embarrassed to make that noise think of the thousands of people i've said "ahh" to without any response. awkward!

parked on the street in front of sports basement to run an errand.
sitting in my car for a few minutes munching on a snack that might resemble lunch
car jostles, look up, some guy just walked into the rear view mirror with him or his bag,
makes eye contacts, he looks sheepish.
go back to eating.
a few minutes later, a car sideswipes mine. kinda. just enough to again, interrupt my munching.
??
i put down my food and walk out of my car.
he's pulled over and come out. looking even more sheepish.
there's not much damage, a little scratch, i tell him it's okay, no worries. ask him what happened.
there's someone following him, he wasn't paying attention, sorry, sorry..
whatever. kid's young, looks terrified and there's really just a tiny scratch.
i let him go, go back in my car and finish eating.
then i need to reassure the gf and mother (who was following him) that it really was ok.
it's ackward.
i finish eating and go into the store.
i'm not in for long but then get that dreaded realization that in all the confusion i've forgotten to feed the meter.
sure enough, i come out a few minutes later and i've got a ticket.

fuck karma.

years ago, before i was engaged, (then married) i told my boy at the time that i'd be happy to trade the diamond ring for spontaneous flowers for the rest of our lives. (figure the cost would be about the same)
i got the ring and have since missed the flowers.
i've been on a ridiculous number of dates in the last few years. i don't think i've ever gotten flowers.
because it sounds cheesy doesn't it? some part of you is thinking who brings flowers to a first date?
yeah, and i never really cared one way or the other, b/c most likely it was gonna be cheesy.
well. i finally got flowers. gorgeous simple flowers. just two branches, and a small vase. and it wasn't cheesy.
it was beautiful and sweet.
i might be biased because the date was preceded by a week of good brain-teasers that he sent (and i solved)
or because the date had really interesting and fun conversation
or because he was pretty damn cute
or because he suggested my favorite sushi restaurant
or because did i mention the really engaging conversation?

wow. brainteasers and flowers. good first impression. i like.

the rest of this weekend included a picnic in the sun in ggp with some of my favorite people.
(we'll ignore the fact that i went to work this morning)

yay =)

last night i was asked a tough question that i was surprised i'd never been asked before.

we see many women going through miscarriages.
unsurprisingly, if you're pregnant and discover that you're bleeding, you come to the er.
it's often an emotion-filled visit, as people begin to deal with the possibility of losing their pregnancy.
we do our best to answer the questions we can, and unfortunately are aware of just how much time will have to tell.

tonight, a couple, who already knew their pregnancy was lost, asked me how to best tell their other children, a 2 yr old and 5 yr old, that there was going to be no baby.

the question floored me. it's an obviously tough but common situation to be in and i'd honestly just never thought about it. and instead of making something up on the fly, i told them i'd look around and get back to them.

so i googled it. no one else around had any better thoughts. and lo and behold, lots of answers, but most were unsatisfying. "tell them what happened honestly". how do tell a five year old that the body aborted a pregnancy, possibly because of abnormalities, possibly b/c we have no idea? then i read one that said "God wanted her to be with him, and now she's up in heaven with him". somehow, this seemed like the least horrible answer.

i went to talk to the couple and asked if they were religious. i was relieved when they said they were Catholic. i had tried explaining to them that they should be honest and tried to come up with some line like "babies grow up in mommy's tummy, but sometimes it doesn't work out", i asked if they had lost pets before (because that would be equivalent, i'm sure)  But i finally said, "maybe you can tell them that God wanted your baby brother or sister to be with Him, and now they're in heaven". The words felt funny coming out of my mouth and it took me a try or two to actually get it out. but having said that, they actually looked a little relieved. it seemed to them the only benign, non-mystifying thing to say to a child. it seemed that way to me too.

strange, but tonight i found comfort in God, at least to give to another.

i'm not one of those women who talk on and on about their dogs.
(actually, please correct me if i'm wrong!)

but i need to say that i'm fully, completely in love with my dog sebastian.
tonight, while on a date, i realized (because we joked about it) that i actually am looking for someone similar to my dog.
(this is why i had to start with this caveat)
sebastian does his own thing. but he's always aware of where i'm at, and kind of close.
he always enjoys physical affection, but there are times where he just wants some now. so he comes to bug me at the keyboard, nudges my hand with his head and bugs me, and what do i do, i love this guy? i pet him and i like it. =)
if i'm busy, i tell him sorry, and he walks away and does something else interesting to him.
he gives me good space, shows me that he loves me and wants affection and goes away easily when i'm otherwise busy.
and when i look at him i get all mushy inside and occasionally i get struck with terror that i might lose him someday.

add intellect, sex and the loss of both ability and interest in licking his own ass and i think that fairly sums up my desires in a guy.

but my iphone doesn't have flash.

smokers at the elbo room generally stand outside in this little foyer, with a gate.
today, there were a few people standing there, all smoking, none talking to each other, all facing the street.
(it's one of the few times i've walked by a group of smokers and not been just a little jealous of how easy it is for them to talk to each other)
the woman who caught my focus was bored, actually bothered... like her fix made her stuck, keeping her from hanging out with people she actually liked.

that's what it looked like, they were in a cage, incarcerated by their addiction.

it's midnight. i need to be awake at 4 am to go to work. while it's always tough to fall asleep "early", tonight it's extra tough because of the screamers.
outside my bedroom window, somewhere in my neighborhood, a man and a woman are going at it. screaming at each other at the top of their lungs.
first, i heard the man. his voice loud, full of anger and i naturally cringed. i waited, worried, listening for the violence to follow.
i realized i expected violence to follow. the full on rage in his voice made me expect to hear, i don't know, a slap? a scream?
as there was more screaming, i realized that part of me almost expected to hear a gunshot and that, i know, is because when we actually usually hear this level of anger, of rage, of volume, it's on tv, and it's before someone gets shot or killed somehow.

the woman is screaming too. that top of your lungs yelling so loud that your volume is really all you are saying. yelling so loud that you can barely breathe because all your air is being directed towards yelling.
my window is closed so i never hear the actual words, just the emotions and the volume.
that level of screaming is somehow familiar to me and i lie awake wondering how.
obviously, never in a relationship. even in my divorce, i never screamed, he never screamed. thank god.
maybe in my nightmares when you scream out of frustration, unable to be heard.
maybe when i was a kid, with my parents.

i open my window, put on my glasses. i feel somewhere that maybe i have the duty to report a domestic disturbance. especially if i fear violence, but they've taken a break. i close the window, go back to bed, and of course they start again. more screaming now, and he breaks out into this maniacal laugh. i'm not joking. it's like he's choosing to sound like a villain in a b-rated horror film. she's screaming again and he's mocking her lyrically, copying her words into a sing-song third grade taunt.

i can't help but wonder if part of the reason i'm still single is that somehow i actually think all marriages or serious relationships end up like this. whether it's loud or mocking or angry... frustrated with each other to the point we choose to forgo logic and reason and use third grade behavior to make the other person upset.
i realize i assume they're a couple, that they're married. i realize that i assume they'll be back in their normal lives tomorrow and that this isn't the end of the relationship, just the way they handle the disputes that get a little out of hand. i realize that i assume that this is just on their road toward talking to each other less, caring less, ending in that cold frozen zone where some separate, and some stay in long-term truces because you're too tired to keep fighting. i realize i appreciate the calm and quiet that comes with being single.
i'm not sleeping. but sometimes i'm thankful that i am sleeping alone.

hey guys.. this race thing is amazing.
250kilometers over 7 days.
it's wet and cold up here.
but we have internet..
you can follow us (live, if you wish)
at:
http://www.4deserts.com/beyond/vietnam/

heading up to the hills tonight.
wish me luck!

i'm standing in line at Ritual, two guys in line in front of me.
it's a sat afternoon so the line extends out the door, giving me time to actually figure out what's going on in front of me.
initially it seems like a normal conversation until i realize all the questions are really basic, awkward. in fact the entire interaction is awkward.
then i realize what this is and why it seems so so familiar to me.
it's a first date. the kind of blindish first dates that we have now, not set up by friends, but by some internet preferences or interactions.
and it's not that i'm not aware of what it's like when i've been in it so many times. but it's really hard to watch in reflection.
oh. it's awkward. i can immediately tell who wants to be there, who doesn't.
who's got the nervous laugh, who's trying too hard.
who can't make eye contact, who's answers are short, easy, non-revealing.
i can't figure out who i'm more uncomfortable for.
ack.
i go through these times when i don't want to do the dating thing anymore. i think these times are coming more and more often...

i just think it's beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY

surprisingly not busy day in the ED (rain seems to keep many people away).

instead of the customary now 4-6 hour wait, it seems people may have to wait 30 minutes to an hour.

woman in waiting room for 5-10 minutes gets called by the Triage nurse to be triaged.

she says, annoyed, "could you hurry this up?"
...

because: being in the ED is like being in a fast food restaurant. i'm sorry, dear customer, you're always right
because: in the ED we like moving slowly. we're not in any hurry, nor do we care to get to and triage everyone as fast as possible so as not to miss someone truly sick in the waiting room
because: if you ask that nicely, we won't be tempted to actually slow down your (not actually ill) triage
because: we work at 11pm on a friday night instead of hanging out with our loved ones because people like you appreciate us
because: our cynical selves have realized that while the squeaky, annoying, litiginous ones get the oil and attention, the quiet, sweet, kind and understanding ones are always the one with serious illnesses and emergencies.

ah, what some people will do to make us laugh..

i'm still holding my breath a little, but i think it's happening. i think i'm going to vietnam for 10days in a little over 2 wks.
all expenses paid. to volunteer.
excited. excited. holding my breath. got all five shifts covered by amazing colleagues. gonna work my ass off before i go.
the one really sucky part about it is i miss my baby sister's visit.. and i've been really excited about that.. but this is an amazing opportunity...
more details to come..